How to Flirt as a Shy, Socially Awkward Woman
As a formerly shy, chronically socially awkward woman who has yearned for the type of romantic relationship that I’ve witnessed the “normal” people in my life find so easily, I know how it feels to badly want something that seems unattainable to women like us.
There are some times when you just want to sulk under your covers because you feel unlovable, unwanted and unseen, but don’t lose hope so easily. For every woman who may feel like no man wants her, there is a man out there who will think you’re perfect; you just have to let him know you’re willing to be approached and engaged with.
The good news for socially awkward women is that in most heterosexual relationships, the man is typically the pursuer, meaning you don’t have to put in as much effort in the initiation stage of the relationship, which is the most nerve-racking part. Your job is to give a man who seems interested in you the proper signals that let him know the feelings of interest are mutual and then to seal the deal with flirtatious conversation.
In this article, I aim to help you craft your own flirting style that works well with your personality so that you can work any room you want to.
Steps to Crafting Your Flirting Style
A lot of women tend to think that flirting means you have to be overtly sexual or really ditzy, which are both nightmare thoughts for shy, more reserved, socially awkward women like us, but fortunately for both of us, that’s not at all the case.
While flirting may require you to do some things outside of your comfort zone, it doesn’t require you to completely step outside of your personality, so you can breath a sigh of relief.
Here’s how you can start to find out your personal flirting style:
1. Embrace Your Femininity
Socially awkward women tend to be self-conscious about showing their feminine side, because femininity tends to garner a lot of attention from the opposite sex, and attention is the one thing that socially awkward and shy people — both men and women — hate.
As someone who is now on the other side of being extremely awkward, shy, and self-conscious, the best way I’ve found to embrace your femininity is to understand it’s great power, and use it when appropriate.
Femininity is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with women and girls. Some aspects of femininity are socially and culturally constructed, like cooking, cleaning, wearing dresses, etc., but I there are some aspects of femininity that are influenced heavily by biology and evolution, like the natural sway of our hips, the carrying angle of our forearm and elbows that creates that undeniable feminine posture, and the natural inflection of our voice when we engage with a man we like.
It’s a combination of the biological and social/cultural aspects of femininity that have both created and destroyed some of the most powerful kingdoms of ruled by men; in some cases all it took was a sultry look into a man’s eyes! Ever heard of how Cleopatra seduced the two most powerful men in Rome using her seductive nature — Mark Antony and Julius Caesar?
Now I’m not advocating that you go out and destroy empires with the sway of your hips or a sultry stare, but I just want to convey to you that feminine nature is nothing to scoff at when it’s done right, so learn to embrace that feminine nature that is naturally in you, and on the right man, it can work it’s magic!
2. Understand How Men Relate to Women
The next step to crafting your flirting style is understanding how men relate to women so that you have a better understanding of how to engage with them:
Men who like you are more nervous than you are
It’s a scientific fact that men’s testosterone goes up when they are in the presence of a woman, especially ones they find attractive; this as a result can make them seem jittery and nervous in conversation, and sometimes kind of excitable, but the testosterone also provides a strong incentive for them to interact with you and to not mess things up.
This doesn’t mean that every man you engage with will be nervous, but use this fact to your advantage when you’re talking to someone you know likes you, and let it calm your nerves.
Most men are simple creatures
If you’re a decent-looking woman who can throw together a nice outfit (nothing too fancy), make your hair look presentable, have a pleasant demeanor (i.e. don’t be a you-know-what), and talk to them like you care about them, there is a well-intentioned man out there who will be drawn to you.
It’s really that simple. They know what they want, they go after it, they’ll do a lot to get you, and they are very direct.
This also mean that if a man is exhibiting behavior that doesn’t make sense, he either isn’t into you, or he is into you but doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for you and has to result to tactics resulting from his insecurities, or he is into you but he has a very shady way of trying to pursue you — all of which are things that you probably don’t want.
Understanding these key factors about how men relate to women will give you the foundational knowledge you need to interact with them.
3. Discover Your Feminine Archetype
Every woman is different; some are shy, some are quiet and quaint, some are extroverted and the life of the party, and some are a little awkward.
Before you scare yourself off from flirting because you think you’ll have to fake being someone you’re not, flirting doesn’t mean that you have to portray some foreign persona just to get a man to like you; it’s about using your natural personality to interact with men in a romantic way, which is where your feminine archetype comes into play.
Feminine archetypes are defined as behavioral patterns that account for the differences in personality among women, and these patterns are so familiar to us that we can often recognize them in ourselves and in others.
The seven archetypes include mother, maiden, huntress, mystic, sage, queen, and lover. To discover which one you embody, I recommend reading through Faines’ article An Explanation of the 7 Feminine Archetypes, which also contains a quiz you can take to figure out your archetype.
To give you an example, I am most definitely a lover in addition to being very reserved and quiet in my flirting style. I tend to flirt by listening and engaging to show that I care about what the other person is interested in, making sure to smile and look pleasant, and softening my voice. However, I have a hard time leading with my sexual energy because my personality is just not that bold; the thought of casually touching someone I don’t know or being overtly cutesy the way some women may do makes me feel someone wrote “I’M A FAKE” on my forehead.
So try to flirt in a way that makes you feel comfortable and like you’re just being a more feminine version of who you already are.
4. Learn the Basics of Flirting
The final step to crafting your flirting style is to understand the basics of flirtatious behavior so that you can mix in your own personality.
I give an in-depth explanation of social aptitude in my article The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People, but here are the most relevant points as it pertains to flirting:
Eye Contact Does Wonders
Eye contact is one of the most basic forms of nonverbal communication that humans use to communicate. Typically, avoiding contact conveys that you’re uninterested in what someone is saying and maintaining eye contact conveys that you’re fully engaged in the conversation, so maintain eye contact while your talking to the other person.
Use Your Facial Expressions and Vocal Inflection
Use facial expressions to convey that you are actively engaged in what someone is saying. This means smiling and chuckling/laughing when they make a joke, raising your eyebrows when they say something you find interesting, nodding along to show you’re following them, even using a few cutesy and flirty looks once you get comfortable enough.
Similarly, utilize vocal inflection to match the tone of conversation. If he’s talking about something he’s excited about, make your voice slightly higher pitched and sound excited with him.
Use Backchanneling To Convey Interest
In linguistics, backchannels are the verbal and/or non-verbal responses one person gives another person in a conversation. Backchanneling done right lets a man know that you are engaged and actively listening to the discussion.
Some examples of backchanneling in English include such expressions as "OK", "uh-huh", "hmm", "right", "I see," and “Wow, really?” Doing this and pairing them with the appropriate facial expressions really makes the other person feel like you’re interested and want to know more about what they’re saying.
Maintain an Open Posture
Maintaining an open posture when flirting makes you look confident and more socially attractive. An open posture means you stand up straight and hold your head at a normal or slightly elevated position. The one thing that tends to make you look closed off and awkward is hunching your shoulders and hanging your head down while you talk.
Want to know more behaviors that make you seem awkward? You might enjoy reading my article 19 Behaviors That Make You Seem Socially Awkward.
Give Him Compliments
Men often like hearing praise from women, which is why they will sometimes try to impress you by talking about their accomplishments and things they’re proud of.
So, if you want to convey to a man that you’re interested in him, compliment on things he cares about and when he’s trying to impress you, respond positively. It’s a huge boost to his ego.
Keep the Conversation Going
An abnormally long period of silence while talking to a man you just met can suggest that you no longer want to talk to them or get to know them, so in the beginning phases of flirting with a man, try to keep the conversation going.
Ask him about his interests and talk about yours, too. Or point out something interesting that you see as a way to start a new conversation.
Utilize these tips to craft your style the next time you’re engaging with your crush, and I promise you’ll immediately see the positive reaction.
Preparing for and Handling Rejection
You can vastly decrease your chances of rejection if you make sure to only entertain the men who are interested in you, which I go over in my article How to Attract a Man as a Socially Awkward Woman. Even still, we can’t always avoid being rejected which is a fact that everyone has to accept.
We might not have to face the outright rejection that men typically face when a woman turns them down, but we experience it in different ways as shy, awkward women.
For instance, a man may pretend to be interested in you while you’re in conversation with him and he may even ask for your phone number, but you’ll be waiting by the phone for days on end only to be disappointed because he never called or texted (I’ve been there once or twice).
Or you’ll think a conversation or date went really well, but he ends up never calling you back for a second date (yup, I’ve been there, too).
Or maybe you misread his body language to mean he was interested in you, and you end up flirting with a man that shows you utter contempt (you guessed it — been there, too).
I could go on, but hopefully you get the gist. Here’s what I’ve learned in my still ongoing years of dealing with men:
It’s not always you that’s the problem; sometimes it’s them, whether they just aren’t interested, or they’re not ready to pursue a relationship. Whatever it is, don’t let it get to your head; just remember that a man that really wants you will let you know without you having to ask him.
I remember one particular date I went on after I had finally conquered my severe social awkwardness and social anxiety. I was 25 years old, I went out and bought this cute, royal blue sweater and some bootcut jeans, and I spent hours making sure my hair looked nice.
When the guy finally picked me up from my house, it was the nothing but the princess treatment from the time he opened the car door for me to when he dropped me off at my house when it was over.
I was so proud of myself for nailing the date — the clothes, the ladylike behavior, the intriguing conversation, everything went great! It was worlds different from my first actual date in college where I might as well have been casted in the move “Ugly Betty” in both looks and behavior.
Want to know just how great it went? After he dropped me off and drove back to his place, he texted me saying he had a really great time and couldn’t wait to see me again.
You can imagine the butterflies in my stomach when I got that message, but what happened after that?
Nothing. We never went out again.
That was a really disappointing outcome for me as you can probably guess, but here’s the important thing to remember about my story:
Life goes on, and this one experience with rejection does not and should not define the rest of your romantic life. Don’t ruminate on the situation for too long, try to learn from it, and move on.
So before the next time you get to interact with your crush or love interest, try out these tips and tricks so that you can nail it, or learn to accept when interactions don’t go as planned.
Are you a chronically socially awkward woman who struggles socializing with men like I once was? Let me know; I love hearing stories from readers like you!
