The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People
“Why don’t people ever want to talk to me?”
“I don’t smell weird; I don’t dress strangely; what else could I be doing wrong?”
“Was it something I said or did that scared them off?”
“Am I just unlikeable?”
“What should I do with my hands while I’m talking?”
If any of these thoughts have ever crossed your mind, you’re not alone. In fact, several years ago, I was so shy and socially awkward that I would avoid social interaction at all costs: intentionally staring at the ground, fake scrolling on my phone, always crossing my arms, walking super fast so that people would think I had no time to talk, even dressing poorly on purpose so that people would get the hint that I’m not in the mood to talk. To give you some more contextual background, I am a lifelong introvert and former shy woman who has struggled with high-functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) for my entire life (think of ASD as a severe case of innate social awkwardness). Needless to say, it took quite a bit of research and consistent practice to overcome my socially awkward tendencies, but when I eventually did it, the difference was almost immediate! So I’m here to promise you that if I can do it, you can too.
In this detailed guide to becoming less socially awkward, you’ll learn my exact science to mastering the art of socializing using physical presentation, small talk, and social cues, all of which are tailored towards shy and socially awkward people.
Step 1: Set Aside Your Fears of Rejection and Socializing
I know this tip might be easier said than done, but it’s important. If you don’t set aside your fear of talking to people, you’ll likely keep avoiding them.
Here are a few motivational outlooks to help you set aside your fears:
Remember, you don’t have to socialize with everybody; just find one or two people who look approachable, and start with them.
If you live in a relatively safe, low-crime community, you can guarantee that most people are not the boogeyman — you’re just a person, and so are they.
Rejection is just a part of life, and it’s generally only a big deal if you make it a big deal. The worst thing that can happen is that they don’t respond positively to your social advances, and if that happens, just move on to the next person. While you’re still obsessing over a moment of rejection, they’ve already forgotten about it.
Don’t overthink small talk. It’s simply a logical call-and-response; you say one thing, they respond with something relevant; you ask a question, they answer the question appropriately.
Now let’s move on to the tangible advice.
Step 2: Work on Your Physical Presentation
The #1 rule of socializing is that first impressions matter, and the first thing people typically notice is your physical presentation.
Generally talking in terms of being less socially awkward, I’m not referring to things over which you have no control; I’m talking about things like how you walk, your facial expressions, your eye contact, and your posture.
A few disclaimers here: It’s impossible for me to create scenarios involving every single person’s physical abilities, so depending on your life circumstances, you may have to modify the following rules to better suit your needs. For example, if you are permanently disabled and use a wheelchair, disregard the section about walking, and focus on other areas, etc.
Physical Presentation Outside of a Conversational Context:
Before a conversation can even start, we have to make it known that we are open to having a conversation, so let’s go over how to create a physical representation that will make you look approachable.
Here are some tips for looking less socially awkward outside of a conversational context:
Posture (outside of conversation): Your standing and sitting posture can indicate a lot about your confidence level and willingness to socialize, so straighten your back, square your shoulders, and hold your head more level with a slight tilt upwards, people will assume you have confidence, and are open to socializing.
Your walk/stride (outside of conversation): Similarly to your posture, the way you walk can say a lot about your confidence level.
If you walk very slowly with poor posture (as we described in the section right before this one) and your eyes glued to the ground, people will assume a low confidence level about you, versus if you make sure your posture is good (again, see the previous section for a description of good posture) and you walk with a slight pep in your step, meaning your arms swing at a normal pace by your side, people will assume you’re confident in yourself and are open to socializing.
Eye contact (outside of conversation): Eyes reveal a lot about a person’s intention and confidence level. In the western world, making eye contact is generally seen as a friendly way to say you acknowledge someone’s existence, and depending on what you do after the eye contact, you can start a conversation or prevent a conversation from developing. Don’t go overboard with the eye contact, though. If you’re staring at someone too long without any breaks or any sign of a smile, it might come across as rude, aggressive, or weird, especially if you don’t know the person.
Body language (outside of conversation): The way you handle your arms, legs, and head in combination with the other factors we’ve gone over so far can also say certain things about your confidence level and your openness to socialize, so try to keep a more open, relaxed posture.
Facial expressions (outside of conversation): Facial expressions outside of a conversational context can indicate to people whether or not they feel comfortable approaching you to start a conversation. You don’t have to stand around with a wide-toothed grin if no one is talking to you, but try to air on the happier-neutral side by displaying a slight, closed-lip smile.
This woman has a neutral facial expressions that airs on the happier side, which indicates she may be open to socializing.
Physical Presentation Within a Conversational Context:
Once you’re engaging in a conversation, it’s even more important to pay attention to how you are presenting yourself, as well as how the other person is reacting.
Posture (within conversation): Maintain an open posture while conversing. Typically, you want to be mostly facing the person you’re talking to so that you appear more engaged in the discussion.
Eye contact (within conversation): The appropriate amount of eye contact lets people know that you are interested in what they have to say, but too little or too much can give off the wrong impression, so make sure to look at people in the eye when you’re talking to them, but if you’ve been staring too long without a break in eye contact, find a discreet way to briefly glance away and then return to the conversation. Also refrain from continuously darting your eyes away, which can make you seem nervous.
Body language (within conversation): What you do with your hands, head, and arms can indicate how interested you are in the conversation and can reveal how nervous or relaxed you are, so try to hold your head, arms, and middle section in a manner that show you are engaged in the conversation and not nervous.
For instance, try not to fidget too much with your hands, stand in a relaxed position to appear non-threatening, and have an open posture as described in the first bullet point. If you don’t know what to do with your hands, you can loosely hold them in front of you or hang them loosely beside you.
Facial expressions (within conversation): Within a conversational context, facial expressions can be very intricate and contextual, especially in combination with eye contact and body language. Generally, your face should reflect the mood and tone of the conversation at hand. We’ll go over this in more detail further along in this article.
If you want to learn more about what behaviors and conversational patterns might be making you seem socially awkward, check out my article 18 Behaviors That Make You Seem Socially Awkward.
Step 3: Learn the Art of Small Talk/Conversation
Now that we’ve covered how to improve your physical representation, let’s use that knowledge to learn about conversing.
Learning Vocal Inflection (Pitch, Volume, and Tone)
The inflection of your voice indicates your interest level in conversation and is used to express the sincerity of your emotions.
Pitch
Pitch refers to the highness and lowness of your voice. Typically, a higher pitch indicates more elevated emotions, like happiness, excitement, interest, and curiosity.
Volume
Volume refers to the degree of loudness in your voice. Louder volume indicates more elevated emotions, like happiness, excitement, and even anger.
Tone
Tone refers to the mood of your voice. You can have a happy, light tone; a somber, dark tone; a curious, questioning tone; or a neutral, monotone voice. You create different tones by combining different pitches and volumes.
Basic Rules of Conversation
Once you’ve identified someone to talk to, or if someone has already approached you for a conversation, keep these basic rules in mind:
Call and response: The basic idea of small talk is just a matter of call and response: someone says something, then you respond with a relevant response and reaction; someone asks you a question, then you answer the question. It does get a little more involved than pure call and response, but I just want to convey to the socially awkward overthinkers out there (like I once was) that the core concept is not complicated.
Tone matching: What keeps people engaged in a conversation is your ability to match their overall tone, or the general attitude of the person.
If someone tells you some exciting news, for instance that they’re engaged, don’t be lackluster about it; raise your eyebrows, smile, and and slightly elevate the pitch of your voice to reflect their excitement.
If someone tells you some bad news, like their grandmother just passed away, don’t be so neutral in your response; furrow your eyebrows, tilt your head, look them in the eye, and express your condolences using a softer, lower-pitched voice and less volume.
If the conversational topic is a rather neutral one, don’t be overdramatic in your responses.
Topical appropriateness: Make sure the topics you’re introducing are appropriate for the context.
If you’re sitting around a table at a wedding reception with people you have never met before, keep conversational topics light: talk/ask about work and career-related things, personal hobbies, your relationship with the bride/groom (in the context of a wedding of course), or maybe your/their family.
If you’re at a business networking event, you can keep topics mostly business-related, but it would also be good to be a little more personable so that people will warm up to the non-business side of you.
Now, if the conversation naturally flows to a more serious topic and the other person/people seem(s) ok with the discussion, you have your go-ahead to input your opinions, but I would steer away from being the one to introduce said topics.
Topical relevance (stay on topic): Staying on topic in conversation lets people know that you can keep up with what the conversation is about and that you actually care about what the other person wants to talk about.
If you randomly switch topics at bad times when conversing with people, they will either think you’re not able to follow the conversation, or they will think you’re trying to dominate the conversation with what you want to talk about. Imagine if every time someone tried to talk about one thing, you consistently kept trying to go back to the same topic or introduce another topic; it would probably make them feel like you don’t care about what they have to say, or it might make them think, “What’s going on with this person that he can’t follow the conversation? Is he/she ok?”
However, there are some cases where a change of topic is necessary. For instance, if the topic of discussion is turning inappropriate or they are not comfortable talking about a particular subject, the other person might try to change the subject to save the conversation. Sometimes, they might even verbally tell you “I’m not comfortable with this topic,” after which you should change the topic.
Transitioning topics: Learning when one topic is coming to an end and when another topic should be introduced is key to holding a good conversation.
Here are some common cues that indicate that it’s time to move on to another topic:
One person ends a sentence and then the other doesn’t say anything else on the subject matter for a few seconds; sometimes this will be followed by a brief look away from the other person.
One person ends a sentence and then the other person responds with a short “Hmm,” or “That’s interesting…” followed by silence.
After you’ve spent a while on one topic, sometimes a person will say something like, “But that’s for another day,” indicating that you should discuss the rest of the conversation at a time other than right now.
Learn when a conversation is ending: Learning the ending cues of a conversation is another core aspect of mastering small talk.
Typically, a conversation is ending when there has been a definite silence of a few seconds from both parties. This means no more questions are being asked and no one else has anything else to contribute. That’s when you give your farewells, including “Have a good day!” or “See you around!”
In longer, planned conversations, such as a lunch date, it’s easier to know when the conversation ends; it will probably be about half and hour to an hour after you’re both finished eating, or someone will start the typical farewell cues: “Well, it was nice seeing/meeting you!” or “Alright, until next time!” or “We should probably get going.”
If someone’s feet are pointing towards the door as they are talking or they are fidgeting a lot with their things, they are likely trying to signal to you that they’ve got to go. If you have ever been in a conversation with someone who just keeps talking and talking without an end in sight, even though you keep shifting your purse/bag, putting your coat on, inching towards the door, and other cues, you probably recognize this behavior.
Attentively listen to what is being said: When you’re actually listening and comprehending what is being said instead of assuming what someone will say, you can respond appropriately in a way that won’t make you seem awkward.
I know this can be difficult to do when you already have social anxiety and are likely only thinking about how nervous you are, but you have to calm down and just listen. Remember, you don’t have to respond the exact millisecond someone says something; try for a .5-second to 1-second delay just to make sure you know what you want to say.
Don’t talk too much: If you’re talking too much about something that another person is not interested in, the other person might feel like you’re dominating the conversation and don’t care about what they have to say.
Generally, if someone asks you a question, it’s good to start off with a more basic and general response. If the other person genuinely wants to know more, they will ask you more detailed questions, but if you start off with a long-winded discussion about something, you’ve just assumed that they want to know everything you know, which is not always the case.
Here’s an example of talking too much:
CONVO 1 START
“So, what do you do for work?”
“I’m a software developer for an accounting software company.”
“That’s neat! I’m an art teacher. So, what does a software developer do?”
“I’m a full-stack developer which means I work with front-end and back-end code for the software. Front-end development is more like working with the interface of the software, and backend development involves all of the databases and the code that handles all the data from the databases, so it’s a pretty high-tech job.”
CONVO 1 ENDS
Can you see how that interaction comes across as braggy? The person who asked the question is an art teacher, which means you shouldn’t assume that she’s interested in all of the techy details of a software engineer. She may be interested, but if she is, let her ask the probing questions.
Here’s how it should’ve gone:
CONVO 2 STARTS
“So, what do you do for work?”
“I’m a software developer for an accounting software company.”
“That’s neat! I’m an art teacher. So, what does a software developer do?”
“I basically work with the code behind the scenes of the software that our clients use.”
“Oh wow, so that’s a pretty techy job. So is that sort of like web design?”
“Well not exactly, the web designer is the one who tells us what they want the software to do and how it should function, and then the developer writes the code that can make it work.”
“I see. That is so interesting to me, because I’m not a techy person at all. I don’t know how you do all of that computer stuff!”
“It’s not so bad when it’s something you really enjoy doing; I’m sure your job has some challenges just like mine does!”
CONVO 2 ENDS
See how much more artful and natural the second conversation is? Near the end, the software developer even makes it a point to turn the spotlight back onto the art teacher so that it’s not such a one-sided conversation.
Don’t be offensive: When you’re dealing with strangers, you should always try your best to not come across as mean, boastful, condescending, or offensive in any way.
Unless someone is asking you to give them their honest opinion about something, don’t do the following things:
Don’t mention people’s looks unless it’s a compliment or you’re telling them something that will save them embarrassment. For example, telling someone you like their hair, or notifying someone that their fly is open.
Don’t say suggestive or sarcastic things about their intelligence or their opinion about something, even if you don’t agree or even if your personality is just sarcastic.
Some of these are contextual because I know many relationships that thrive on mutually sarcastic humor or jokes that could be taken the wrong way in other contexts, but in general, you should steer away from being offensive — especially in conversation with strangers.
Gracefully Recovering From Awkward Moments
A general rule of thumb is that if you do something awkward, you need to acknowledge it somehow and move on with the discussion. There’s nothing more off-putting than talking to someone who is oblivious as to how uncomfortable they are making someone.
For more specific tips and tricks, download my FREE Cheatsheet on Recovering From Socially Awkward Moments using the button below.
Gauging Comfort and Interest Levels Using Social Cues
Here are some questions to consider to decipher the other person’s comfort and interest level while you’re conversing:
What are they doing with their body in response to what you’re saying? Are they crossing their arms and frowning, indicating they are uncomfortable? Or are they crossing their arms and furrowing their brow, which can mean they are focusing in and are genuinely interested in what you’re saying?
What is their face saying? Is it generally happy or did it drastically change right after you said something? Are they shifting their eyes a lot, which could mean you’re delving into awkward territory and they don’t know how to respond, or are they smiling, nodding, and maintaining eye contact which means they like the conversation so far?
What are their verbal responses or lack thereof telling you? Did everyone go quiet after you said a certain thing, or did they laugh? If they laughed, was it an awkward kind of forced laugh that suggests what you said was awkward or weird to them, or was it natural, indicating that what you said was humorous to them? Did they respond to something you said with “Hmm, that’s interesting…” and then not follow up with anything else, which indicates they don’t want to talk about it anymore?
These are important things you should pay attention to so that you know if there’s any hope in saving the conversation if it’s going poorly, or if you should just dip out now to save yourself further embarrassment.
Step 4: Practice, Practice, Practice!
Social skills are like a muscle for socially awkward people: if you want it to get stronger, you have to exercise it.
You don’t even have to go out of your way to practice. You can use everyday situations.
The next time you’re going down the grocery store aisle and only one other person is walking in the opposite direction, don’t intentionally stare at your phone screen; smile, nod, and say “Hello.”
Ask a store employee a question about where to find something, even if you know where it is; use it as an opportunity to practice greeting someone with a smile, asking a clear question, and saying “Thank you.”
When you see someone on your morning walk, say “Good morning,” or “How are you this morning?” instead of averting your eyes to the ground or the sky.
Practice with non-awkward people. In my experience, trying to socialize with other awkward people doesn’t give you a chance to study socially acceptable behavior because both parties don’t know where to start.
I started practicing my social skills by taking my dog to my local walking trail/dog park every weekend; it’s a low-pressure environment with a sparse amount of people, and I already have a conversation starter, because people with dogs like to talk about dogs!
Once you master those small-scale scenarios and you see that not every person is a mean ol’ grouch, you can fare better at larger events, like wedding receptions or birthday parties.
More Resources for Awkward People:
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