How to Cope With Being a Social Outcast: A Former Outcast's Perspective
If you’ve ever been a social outcast, you know how humiliating and lonely it can be, especially if it’s because of something over which you have no control. As someone who was diagnosed with high-functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), which is a neurological disorder that affects how individuals communicate and socialize with others, I can relate to feeling like a social outcast.
It can be hard to stay motivated when you feel like you don’t fit in anywhere, but don’t lose hope just yet; there are some effective ways you can cope and even overcome being a social outcast, and depending on your situation, some of them will be easier than others.
The advice I provide in this article should not be replaced with what a mental health professional can provide, but I wanted to provide some coping mechanisms I’ve used in my own life as a former outcast in the hopes that they can help you out even a little.
Socially Outcasted Because of Things Within Your Control
Sometimes, the reasons we are socially outcasted are things that we have full control over. I know this can be a hard pill to swallow for some, or at least it was a hard pill for me, but it’s the truth. If you notice a common pattern of people avoiding you in response to a certain set of behaviors you’re doing, you are at least aware of how people react to you, so you have a good chance of changing this behavior.
Examples of Things That Are Within Your Control:
Your Behavior/Social and Communication Skills
Maybe you’re naturally socially awkward (like I once was).
Maybe you unintentionally offend people with your jokes and comments.
Maybe you weren’t raised with adequate social and communication skills, so you can’t keep friends.
Maybe your body language is off-putting to people.
Maybe previous bad social interactions have scared you off from trying again.
Whatever the reason, these fall under the category of things that we can change with just a little bit of polishing, education, and practice.
Here are some more resources that will help you on your journey to becoming more socially competent:
The Way You Present Yourself
It’s possible that the way you dress, or your facial expressions, or a combination of those two things, is repelling people from socializing with you. Humans are social beings, and because of this, we typically look for social cues to tell us whether or not it’s safe for us to socialize with certain people or not.
One of the toughest lessons I had to learn in my early twenties is that people respect you based on how much you look like you respect yourself, so try to look put-together — even when you’re dressing more casually. Of course this is all relative, because in some subcultures of America like LA, looking slightly messy and disheveled is all the rage, so take this advice with a grain of salt.
Pay attention to how your facial expressions are being interpreted by other people; do you look mean and bothered, or do you look open and willing to socialize with others?
My Testimony — Overcoming Things Within My Control
As someone who grew up with high-functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) that was the cause of my severe social awkwardness for most of my teenage and young adult life, both of my parents and I realized at a fairly young age that I possessed some severe social deficits.
Now you might argue that my diagnosis means my social behavior was outside of my control, but because I have a high-functioning version of ASD, I really don’t like to use my disorder as the sole cause for my behavior. It just means that social skills don’t come naturally to me and therefore I had to learn them.
For more than a decade (6 years-of-age — 17 years of age), my family and I didn’t understand why it was so natural for me to avert my eye contact when people were talking to me, give one-word answers to pretty much every question that people would ask me (even family members), walk into a room or walk right past people without saying “Hello” or “Good morning,” and just generally not understand how to appropriately use facial expressions and voice inflections in response to various social cues. Even after I got my diagnosis, I spent another 5 or 6 years not attempting to improve my natural inclination towards poor social and communication skills.
I can recall one time many years ago that I’ll probably never forget when I randomly saw a high school acquaintance of mine just a couple of years after graduation. We were both clarinet players in middle school and high school band for 6 years, so as you can imagine, we were far from strangers. When I saw this person for the first time after years, she was so bubbly and excited to see me — just like I had remembered her from school. She greeted me with a warm “Hey, how have you been? You look great!” and immediately wrapped her arms around me with a big, rocking back-and-forth hug, and told me about all of the exciting updates in her life; she had just gotten a job that she really liked, and she was engaged to be married. And how did I respond? Very lackluster, with a monotone voice and a neutral facial expression: “Oh, cool.” “Nice to see you.”
Now, I genuinely did not have any ill intent towards this girl whatsoever; she had always been lovely to me, and I can honestly say I was just utilizing my most natural communication style, but can you imagine how my reaction must’ve made her feel, especially after she had tried to be nice to me and show concern about my life after all those years? Now that I’m on the other side of my social and communication issues, I just cringe when I think about how small and unimportant she probably felt after that surprise interaction and how I had fumbled an opportunity to rekindle a prior relationship.
Now years later that my social skills are far better, I know the next time that happens, I will handle it far better than that last situation.
I shared that story with you so that you would know if I can overcome severe social and communication deficits that were partially not in my control, there is definitely hope for you.
If you’re anything like I was, socially awkward and shy in addition to being naturally more introverted, you might benefit from my 1-on-1 coaching program, Communicate with Quiet Confidence, a 12-week, 1-on-1 coaching program to help introverted women overcome social anxiety and social awkwardness.
Socially Outcasted Because of Things Outside of Your Control
Sometimes we are outcasted for things we cannot control such as mental disorders, physical deformities, differing cultural values, a low degree of common values with the surrounding people, or deeper feelings of self-doubt.
When this type of alienation occurs, it can be hard to keep feelings of self-doubt from creeping into our psyche. In cases like this, we can rely on self-acceptance, self-confidence, self-motivation, and if needed, professional help.
Some Motivational Words
When we’re faced with circumstances we can’t change, one thing we can do is focus on things we can change. So, before I offer some more tangible advice, I want to offer you a well-known biblical Psalm that serves as a catch-all solution — no matter if you’re a Christian or not:
The Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference…”-Psalm 91
Now, what is the main message I’m trying to convey here? Life can be pretty tough and relentless sometimes; that’s how it’s always been, and that’s how it always will be. So in general, when you are socially outcasted because of things outside of your control, the hard truth is sometimes you have to accept the fact, take the steps you can take to change it, and hold onto hope that among the billions of people in the world, you can and will find a community that you belong to.
Now, onto my more specific scenarios and tips.
Examples of Things That Are Outside of Your Control:
Healthline has a very comprehensive article about the symptoms, types and causes of social alienation, which includes medically reviewed statistics and treatments for getting to the underlying causes of alienation, but I wanted to list out a few practical tips I think will help you out based on some common situations I’ve witnessed and experienced in my life:
A Change in Your Environment
Maybe you’ve had to switch jobs recently and are having trouble fitting in with your coworkers and the workplace culture.
Maybe you’ve recently had to move schools and leave your friends behind.
Maybe you’ve graduated college, and all of the friends you’ve made have moved away to start their own lives.
Whatever the cause may be, it can be difficult to deal with the feelings of loneliness that come with being physically removed from the people you know and love. Here are some ways you can combat those feelings:
Keep in touch with old friends via text, phone call, or social media. This likely won’t replace the fulfillment of physically being int heir presence, but it’s still good to keep in touch with people when you can’t be with them right now.
Plan a get-together with friends/family months in advance so that everyone has time to fit it into their schedule.
Try to meet new friends by going to in-person events like a festival, a church or other place of worship, a book store event, a book club, etc.
Social Causes Like Cultural And/or Racial Differences
Maybe you’re a mixed race person whose struggling with your identity.
If you’re having trouble finding acceptance from both of your racial identities, try not to focus on fitting in by skin color when finding friend; focus on who shares your core values, and who you can get along with — race aside.
If you’re having trouble with family members, this can be more difficult, because unfortunately we can’t choose who our family is. However, you can choose your friends. So, focus on finding friends that value you as a person, despite your racial identity.
Maybe you’re an immigrant who just doesn’t culturally fit in with the predominant culture of your region.
If able, cling to family. Family is the one group of people that most people can rely on for support and love, so if you have the benefit of staying with family, prioritize those relationships.
If you are not able to be with your family, or maybe you can access family and just want to create non-familial relationships, use online resources to find out if your city has cultural and/or racial organizations for minorities in the area.
Maybe you weren’t raised with the predominant culture of your racial group, so you feel like an outsider among people who look like you.
Try not to focus on fitting in by skin color when finding friend; focus on who shares your core values, and who you can get along with — race aside.
Physical Features, Disabilities, or Anomalies
If you feel like you’re being outcasted because of physical aspects that you can’t control, here are some practical and motivational tips to keep you going:
Learn to accept yourself for the physical flaws that you cannot change so that it doesn’t affect your attitude and behavior.
Understand that life is so much more than what we look like, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now. If certain people are rejecting you because of superficial reasons, they probably weren’t good for you anyway.
Focus on finding a community that can see past your physical appearance or abilities. Trust me, they are out there, but you can’t lose motivation that you will find them.
You might consider using online resources to find out if your city has organizations for people with physical disabilities in the area, where you can find community among people who understand your situation more intimately.
Personality, mental, developmental, or other types of disorders
In addition to getting professional help, try finding friends that don’t require you to fake being something you’re not, but who also don’t mind helping you in the ways they can help you.
Seek professional help to fix your issues (if possible), and do as much self work as you can to improve your mental/developmental state.
Whatever your situation, don’t let life keep you down; accept things for what they are, and focus on finding a community of people that understand you and can look past the things you can’t change about yourself.
My Testimony — A Story About Cultural Estrangement at the Intersection of Class, Race, and Culture
Growing up in middle and high school, I did not fit in with most black American kids in my particular school district.
That may sound a little harsh or confusing to you without the full context, so let me tell you some facts that are very relevant to the story I’m about to tell:
I am a African American woman who comes from a middle class family in the south, which at the time this story takes place was kind of an anomaly in black America.
At the time I was in middle school (2011-2013), about 70% of African American children are born to single-parent homes, and I happened to be part of the 30% of black kids who were born into a stable, two-parent household.
I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as a teenager, which is a developmental disorder that affects social development.
After reading over those contextual facts, you might be thinking, “It doesn’t sound like you have much to complain about at all.” And you’re absolutely right. My life has been pretty good, all things considered; I grew up with a loving family who was well-off, I never wanted for anything, I never went hungry, etc.
Except for one thing…
Those facts and statistics I started out with at the beginning, just happen to be the perfect formula for a phenomenon commonly referred to as cultural estrangement. Cultural estrangement is a type of alienation that occurs when your culture’s values do not align with your personal values. To translate that for my specific scenario, because my middle-class cultural experiences as a young black woman did not align with the predominant culture of black Americans in my area, I was made fun of for not being “black enough.” A lot.
They would constantly take jabs at me for things I had no control over: the fact that my father was very present in my life and theirs wasn’t; the fact that I didn’t talk like them, which was to say I didn’t talk in African-American Vernacular English (AAVE); the fact that my parents didn’t allow me listen to Hip-Hop and rap like theirs allowed them to do; and so much more. And of course the cherry on top was my diagnosis with ASD as a child, which made it that much harder to socialize and make friends like a normal kid would.
The point is, I felt like an imposter in my own community, even though I physically looked like them and wanted to relate to them; the coarse hair, the brown skin color, and everything else.
So how did I improve my situation?
I accepted me for who I was, I stopped trying to fit in with people who I looked like I should fit in with, and I focused on finding friends who shared my values, no matter what race they were. And guess what? I can now say I have a core group of friends that I really care about and who really care about me — black, white, Asian, and other!
So the moral of the story is, sometimes we just have to accept reality for what it is, and act accordingly to improve our situation.
What are some reasons that you’ve been socially outcasted for? Do you think they’re within your control to change or not? Let me know; I love hearing stories from my blog readers!
