How to Make Friends When You’re Socially Awkward
Being socially awkward is no fun; it can be alienating, dehumanizing, and even depressing if it gets too bad. The good news is that social awkwardness in most cases is something we can greatly improve. It might not be an easy path for some, but it is doable.
As a former chronically socially awkward person myself, I’ve certainly had my fair share of lonely times when I just couldn’t figure out why people didn’t want to hand out with me. To give you some more context, I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as a teen, which is basically a fancy way of saying I have a severe form of innate social awkwardness.
Here are the steps I took to drastically change my relationships and my ability to socialize and make friends:
1. Think Of Awkwardness as a Tool Instead of as a Handicap
Feeling socially awkward can be a catalyst to change your behavior so that others won’t alienate you. Much like other negative feelings like guilt, hunger, loneliness, or thirst that prompt us to seek change, awkwardness prompts us to alter our behavior so that we won’t make others uncomfortable.
For instance, imagine if every time you said or did something awkward, everyone just went along as if nothing happened. As a result, you wouldn’t see anything wrong with your behavior, and you would probably continue the behavior. The reason that humans have a visible reaction in response to awkward or uncomfortable situations is to let the other person know they are not having a good experience, so when you notice that people are having an adverse reaction to something you’ve done or said, it’s normal for you to feel awkward and maybe a little embarrassed so that you know you need to change your behavior.
2. Learn the Basics of Social Behavior & Human Connection
Before you can socialize and initiate interactions, it’s good to know the basics of acceptable social behavior and how that influences human connection so that you don’t jump into a social situation blindly.
The basic premise of successfully forming friendships is to make people feel safe, comfortable, and emotionally satisfied; the behaviors that help you do achieve this may vary slightly based on culture, region, and social norms, but the basic idea is universal. From the time we are newborn babies, we look for social cues in others that show us they understands our emotions and most of all, care about our emotions. When we smile at someone, they generally want to smile back to reflect our nice gesture; when we share a funny or nostalgic story, the others will laugh and reminisce right along with us; when we display a generally sad countenance or share a sad story, the other person will try to empathize with us by reflecting a sad countenance and kind words; and so on and so forth.
For naturally socially awkward people, learning a skill like this can seem difficult, but everyone’s got to start somewhere. Here are two article that should help you out with the specifics of learning social behavior:
3. Practice With Low-Risk Interactions
When it comes to unlearning socially awkward ways, practice makes perfect. It does no good to be book smart about it but then lack the ability to apply it in real life situations, so you need to find simple opportunities to engage in social interaction.
The good news is this step doesn’t have to some extravagant social event; you can find people everyday that can engage with you. Depending on the surrounding culture, it might be easier than other cultures, but it’s still possible.
Here are a few low-risk situations you could try, even though they might not always lead to lifelong friendhsips:
At your next visit to the grocery store, find an employee and ask them where to find something in the store. Work on approaching someone calmly, kindly initiating the interaction, and showing gratitude by saying thanks — all basic aspects of connecting with people.
When you’re checking out at a store and the cashier seems friendly, try engaging in some small talk with them. Most times they will respond kindly, but even if they aren’t in the mood to talk, this can be a lesson on recovering from mild social rejection.
The next time you’re on a walk, try saying “Good morning” or “Hello” or just quickly showing your hand and nodding as a form of acknowledging someone; most times when people are on a run, they might not be in the mood for conversation, but this is more of an exercise to help you overcome your fear of initiating interactions.
Try approaching older people with a small conversation starter. I don’t know what it is about older people compared to younger generations, but they tend to be much more sociable. I live in the South, and everywhere I go, it never fails that I can just smile and say “Hello” to someone in their 50s or older, and they just take it from there.
4. Learn How to Recover From Awkward Moments
In the start of your journey to making friends, there are bound to be some awkward moments. The key is not to let them demotivate you from ever trying again.
If you find yourself in a socially awkward moment because of something you said or did, the best thing to do is to acknowledge it once you notice the other person’s discomfort, apologize briefly for the behavior to let them know you didn’t intentionally try to make them uncomfortable, and move on with the interaction. As a formerly socially awkward person myself, I can tell you from experience that there really is nothing worse than being oblivious to or seemingly unbothered by someone else’s discomfort — especially when you are the cause of it.
If you still need some more specific tips, you can download my FREE Cheatsheet to Recover From Awkward Moments which provides you with specific scenarios, and also two personal story times of how I recovered from awkward moments.
5. Start Making and Maintaining Connections
Once you’ve got the basic knowledge of social skills and connecting with people, it’s time to get out there and start making and maintaining friendships. The truth is connections rarely happen randomly; someone has to initiate something and the other has to willingly engage in order for relationships to form.
Here are some community-oriented places you could try:
If you’re religious, try attending a place of worship every Sunday.
Try to find your local recreation center and check out what events they might be hosting.
Try to attend more workplace events like office parties and lunches, which gives you an environment to mingle with people who you already kind of know. Try approaching just one person instead of groups of people to start with.
When you see someone coming your way who looks like they want to start a conversation with, don’t avoid it; look them in the eye, smile, and engage with them. You never know what your relationship could be if you don’t try.
More Resources for Socially Awkward People
Having trouble making friends? Feel free to tell me a little bit about it; I love hearing stories from readers like you!
