How to Overcome Being Shy as an Introvert
You can overcome being a shy introvert by building confidence in and accepting your introverted qualities, improving your social skills step by step, and overcoming the common fears of rejection introverts may have.
It’s one thing to be introverted, and it’s another thing to be shy, but being simultaneously introverted and shy can come with a host of prejudgments about your personality, and can block you out of friend and social circles in which humans thrive. The good news is that it’s possible for you to be confident in your introverted qualities and overcome your struggles with shyness in just a few key steps.
1. Accept Your Introverted Nature for What It Is and What It’s Not
Once you can learn to appreciate what value your introverted qualities have to offer the world, you will learn to accept yourself for what you can and can’t do, and have confidence in your abilities.
Believe it or not, being introverted is not the same thing as being shy. An introvert is defined as a quiet, reserved person who tends be introspective and enjoys spending time alone or with very few people, so introversion is a more static (unmovable) personality trait. A shy person is defined as a timid person who easily frightened by socializing with people which can have both genetic and environmental contributing factors, so shyness is a more dynamic (movable) personality trait. Knowing this difference is the key to accepting your introverted nature for what it is, and taking steps to get rid of your shyness.
I know it can be hard to have confidence in what you have to offer the world when it seems like more extroverted qualities are championed over more reserved personality traits, but the fact is that introverts are just as important to society as extroverts are — just in different ways. Introverts have the unique ability to engage in deep thought that’s beneficial for self-improvement; processing complex emotions of self and others; reflectiveness; and connecting with and relating to people on a deeper level than more extroverted people can.
As one of my favorite phrases says, “You can’t get blood from a turnip,” which is to say that you can’t force an introvert to be an extrovert, but you don’t have to; you can learn to accept yourself and be confident in your introverted qualities without feeling the need to change who you are. That’s the first step to overcoming your shyness as an introvert.
2. Build Confidence in Yourself, Despite What the Extroverted World May Say
Although there are some valuable lessons introverts can learn from extroverts and vice versa, it’s important for you to build confidence in the qualities you posses as an introvert. This doesn’t mean that you won’t face judgement and rejection from others, but it does mean that you won’t be as mentally and emotionally affected when it inevitably happens.
Remember, everyone who is alive or dead and gone has been and will be judged or rejected for something; it doesn’t matter how introverted or extroverted they were, so just get over the fact that you won’t ever be accepted by everyone, and everyone isn’t going to be your friend. The important thing is that there are people out there who will love and appreciate your companionship and your introverted personality, but you’ll never find them if you’re too shy to make connections with people.
Think of it this way: why would such a large portion of the population be considered more introverted than extroverted if there wasn’t a place for us? In the natural world, there is a delicate equilibrium that must be maintained between predator, prey, grasses, trees, rain, and sun, and in the human world, I like to think that part of our delicate equilibrium involves some of the population being more extroverted, and some of us being more introverted. So the next time you feel self-doubt about your introverted personality, remember that you have something valuable to offer this world and the people in it, even if you don’t believe it right now.
“Although introverts can sometimes doubt themselves, we must remember that we play an important role in the delicate equilibrium of introverted and extroverted energy; one cannot exist without the other, and there is great power in that.”
— Caroline Smith, Founder of The Introverted Misfit
3. Release Your Fears of Rejection
Rejection is a necessary part of life, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or anything between, but you can’t let your fears of rejection stop you from making great relationships with people who will appreciate your introverted personality.
The fear of social rejection that shy people generally possess is caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors; I go into more detail about these scientific findings in my article Why Am I Shy and Socially Awkward?, but to sum it up, a stable, shy personality is caused by persistent genetic contributions, and what causes the variability of shyness in individuals is the environmental factors they face from as early as 6 years old; for example, if a child tries to socialize with their peers and they are rejected often enough, the fear of future rejection will likely discourage them from trying to socialize again.
Now, as you probably know if you’re reading this article, being both shy and introverted can cause a separate category of fears in terms of rejection; for instance, you might be nervous that people will think your introverted nature is boring, and that can cause you to not socialize as much, or even try to fake being someone you’re not just to fit in. I can recall multiple instances in my life when I experienced self-doubt about my introverted personality that stemmed from both my natural tendency towards shyness, and a few self-esteem-killing social interactions in my younger years. I was constantly labeled as “boring” or “buzzkill” by my more extroverted peers who just didn’t understand my preference for quietness and time to think deeply about life happenings, and that in turn made me more reluctant to attempt socializing for a long time.
The only solution to conquering your fears of rejection as a shy, introverted person is to understand that rejection is something that happens to every creature on Earth, and you are no exception. The male species of every animal must face rejection from many females before it finds one willing to mate; humans must face rejection from multiple job interviewers, potential friends and romantic partners before they are accepted. Once you accept this fact of life, it becomes much easier to set aside your fears of rejection. It might even help you to think of each occurrence of rejection as getting one step closer to finding someone who will appreciate your introverted personality. If you want some in-depth tips on how to overcome fears of rejection, you might enjoy my article How to Overcome Your Fears of Rejection as an Introvert.
4. Improve Your Social Skills
Just because you’re introverted doesn’t mean you have to lack social skills.
There are two main categories of introverts as defined by the late Dr. Arnold Henjum: Type A and Type B: Type A introverts are self-sufficient, confident and self-actualizing, and Type B introverts are shy, withdrawn and who have a low self-concept. If you are a Type B introvert, it is possible to improve upon your social skills and your confidence levels so that you can interact comfortably in social settings, which then allows you to make connections with the people who will appreciate your introverted personality.
So how exactly do we go about improving our social skills? I know it seems easier said than done, but the answer is to practice, and start small. Social awkwardness can either be caused by social anxiety, a lack of practice with socializing, or being in a mismatched culture/environment where the socialization methods you are accustomed to don’t match the methods of said environment. If your awkwardness is caused by the former, you might benefit from reading my article The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People where I give step-by-step instructions and tips on how to overcome social awkwardness — all from the perspective of a former shy and socially awkward person.
5. Focus On Others Instead of Yourself
The roots of shyness and anxiety can vary based on individual personal experiences and genetics, but the common result is being overly focused on how others might be perceiving and judging you. In my experience as a former shy person, it helps to focus on how you can make others feel instead of focusing on yourself so much. Most people respond positively to people who make them feel comfortable and like they matter, so if you can apply your social skills in a way that accomplishes that, you’ll have a much easier time connecting with people without being so ansy.
Need some more curated tips for shy, anxious introverts who want to make friends? Check out my article How to Make Friends as a Shy, Anxious Introvert.
Did you find these tips for shy introverts helpful and applicable to your life? Let me know; I love hearing your stories and thoughts!
